Under the cover of an oddly warm April night, an unidentifiable person hidden in shadows and conveniently missed by every security camera pedaled a high-tech stealth bakfiets into the Seattle City Hall parking garage. Aides to Mayor Ed Murray and Councilmember Tom Rasmussen were there waiting to receive the “package.” They brought three wheelbarrows and a peanut butter sandwich (no crusts), as instructed.

Never removing the leather gloves or uttering a word, the porter pulled back the cover to reveal a pile of bills, all unmarked. Hands shaking, the aides started grabbing clumsy stacks of the cash and tossing it into the wheelbarrows. A careful count would later come to the agreed upon number $15,500,000, but they didn’t dare count it in front of this dangerously serious person on a cargo bike.

The mystery person mounted the giant bike and gave a quick glance at the meager peanut butter sandwich on store-bought wheat before throwing it into the terrified face of the mayor’s aide. The person took a quick pedal forward to trip the sensor that opens the automatic gate, but before pushing off, turned back and uttered a deep, disturbingly gutteral sentence: “Next time I come, you better have some fucking bike lanes.” Then poof, disappeared down James St.

The city had its money, but at what cost? Was dealing with the International Bicycle Conspiracy really worth all this? They had no choice now, though. They had the cash, and they had better get to work on those bike lanes before the mystery messenger returned.* (more…)